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Submitted on
February 4, 2012
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I mailed you a box of seafoam so you could hear the ocean. You grew up somewhere without water, didn't you? I thought you'd like it, but... but then the seafoam leaked out the sides of the box, leaked just like the blood that flowed from your mouth did that day.

When the ambulance came and took you from me, I was scared.

No, that's not true at all.

I was terrified, I was scared shitless, and I thought I'd never see my Anne again. I was so out of my mind that I couldn't even tell you what my name was if you'd asked then!

...

I'm sorry for scoffing right there. A little irony got stuck in my throat. And I'm sorry for crying, too. Some of the seafoam got in my eyes and— damn, salt stings!

...anyways, I should get back on topic, eh? Not that you care. You're dead, aren't you? Stiff as I was when you first showed me what you looked like naked and we...

No, I can't finish that sentence. I'm sorry, but I can't. I'm trying to pretend that everything's okay and that by addressing you it's almost like you're with me again, but that's not true and it's not helping. You're dead! You're dead and I'm being stupid for thinking that you can actually hear me in the Void, or in the afterlife, or as part of the golden dust, or whatever.

Just... The only thing on my mind is you. The only thing on my mind is how I couldn't help you, how I couldn't call nine-one-one fast enough, how that gunshot swept you off your feet in and stole you away.

I'm a useless girlfriend, ain't I?

Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being good enough, I'm sorry for not being there for you, I'm sorry for being so scared of commitment that I couldn't ask you to marry me while I had the chance.

I just hope that you'll be okay with seeing me again. I mean... I'm starting to nod off, Anne, and I wanted to have a longer talk with you before I got there, but... Oh well. Sleeping pills wait for no-one, huh?

I'll be there soon, love, and then... and then...

and then...

...
This is an entry for #TheWrittenRevolution's anniversary contest.

If at all possible, I'd appreciate some responses to these questions I've about the piece:

◊ Is the style easy to understand? The style is supposed to be disjointed and personal, unique to the people in the 'conversation,' but can that be gleaned all that easily?

◊ Did I rely too much on ellipses and em dashes? I adore using them when I feel it's appropriate because they indicate pauses and retractions so well, but sometimes I wonder if I rely on them too much...

◊ Was the story moving at all? Is there anything I could do to make it more emotionally gripping?
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:iconnaruto-ii:
Naruto-II Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This was very easy too read and the first few lines were very appealing (that's what got me reading in the first place ^^)

It brought tears to my eyes... It really did. It was beautiful and so sad... Very, very well done.
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:icontalia-vin:
talia-vin Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
i love the opening lines (actually it's why i clicked to view). and i'm a fan of the style, i love stream of conscious writing, i think it makes it very easy to relate to and understand, and the dashes/ellipses add to this.

nice :3
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:iconsimplegreycoat:
SimpleGreyCoat Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012  Student General Artist
Feedback: The style was easy to understand. I personally love disjointed writing when appropriate, and this definitely matched the situation, a panicked, saddened lover with her other half missing. The puncuation wasn't too much.. It definitely helped establish the subject's mind.
As far as how moving it was, I was definitely right there with you.. Shocked to see the wound, the bullet, I could almost see your trembling hands as you search for her, but cannot find because she is dead. The ending is abrupt and almost leaves the reader lost, but it is fitting. You could add just a tad more to the end, but at the same time, you could leave it as is. Unlike other goodbyes that lovers say, you don't really have one.. It helps establish the subject's resolve, and leaves out any drawn-out thinking- which would possibly prevent them from committing suicide at the end. Very well done. ;)
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:iconuptothem:
UpToThem Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2012  Student General Artist
The story was very emotional... I liked your style very much. Well done.
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:iconsarenha-rayne:
Sarenha-Rayne Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2012
Also, the word scoffing didn't make sense to me in that context.
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:iconsarenha-rayne:
Sarenha-Rayne Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2012
I think more background. More memories, more clues to why she shot herself.
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:iconazuremerald:
AzurEmerald Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2012
Anne might have shot herself. She might have been shot by someone else. I tried to leave that as ambiguous as I could and more memories of that sort would spoil that, I think.

The scoffing, in my head, was supposed to be a reaction to the accidentally ironic statement she made. I was so out of my mind that I couldn't even tell you what my name was if you'd asked then!
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:iconthejunkyardfaerie:
thejunkyardfaerie Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I actually almost started crying. It's absolutely beautiful.
Reply
:iconteensyturtle:
teensyturtle Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2012  Student Writer
I really like this piece, first of all :heart:

The style is very unique and personal, especially in the way the narrator refers to events only she would know about. There's a lot of emotion. However, it's still easy to understand and isn't confusing.

I enjoyed the way you use ellipses and dashes because it makes the writing sound more natural. I feel like the narrator is actually speaking this story to me, which makes for a wonderful connection.

Yes, it is moving! It is very moving. :hug:
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:iconzeroignite:
Zeroignite Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
This story makes me want to give someone a hug.
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